2017: It Already Sucks

It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here. Why? Life hit me hard. What’s new though……

Alright, I’ll explain some of the things that’s happened so far this year, without saying the words awful, piece of shit, goddamn sucks ass, goddamn ass eater, or any utterance similar.


The first incident was late last year; day after Christmas, which is practically the next year. SO….went to the mall with my sister, aunt and cousins. We’re in a store, and we hear a woman scream and then just see a crowd stampeding  towards the exit. We got locked in the store, and a worker told us that there was a shooting in the mall. What?!?! It’s the day after Christmas! And when he said that, there were people upstairs running as well. Fortunately we were safe and were able to get out, only to sit in the parking lot traffic for 4 hrs. Now, the news said it was just a fight………..it was no goddamn fight, it was shooting.

The next thing that happened didn’t happen to me, but to my aunt. Yes, the same one who I was with at the mall. She was working a couple weeks ago, and these guys came in and talked to her boss. Next thing she knows, her boss is getting beaten with a gun, she’s being held at gunpoint and everyone is forced to lay on the ground as they rob the salon. Yup, almost lost my aunt.


I’m back at school now, so I don’t have that much info on what’s going on at home. I’m working one day, and my mom calls me about 3 times while I’m working. I knew it was bad, cause if it wasn’t, she would’ve called once and if I didn’t answer, she would’ve texted me. I got off, and called her. She told me that my sister is being pulled outta school for 2 months cause these girls been bullying her for 3 fucking years!!

My sister didn’t tell anyone this and she’s always kept to herself, but that shit’s not okay. I’m not gonna tell y’all why she’s being pulled out exactly cause, well, that’s not my business to share. With that same incident, my mom had to drop three outta her five classes at her school, so she can be with my sister, which I understand.

And…..yeah there’s another “and”. I got another call from my mom telling me more about what’s going on with my sis, and how it’s way deeper than I thought it was. Not to mention, she told me that the Pastor of the church I grew up in has fucking stage 4 cancer!

If you guys wanted to know, that’s how it’s been in the 27 days since this new year began. I didn’t even talk about your new president and his inauguration. I’m not claiming that man for shit! He’s all yours. But, I see how this year’s gonna be. I’m already done with it…giphy-17


The Night of Hanabi

The gathering of people crowd next to the lake

The evening summer breeze passing over us.

I sit on a blanket looking up as the sky darkens

Lights from surrounding tents blaze towards the sky

Hanabi is starting.

Hearing a whistling sound, our gazes follow the light towards the sky

It bursts into a ray of colors, that shapes the night

The fireworks sparkle and boom as they explode in the air.

Oooo’s and Ahhh’s escape the mouths of the children near me

It’s the first time I’ve viewed fireworks in a different country

Japan has always been one I want to travel to

And I’m finally here…..

On the Night of Yokohama’s Hanabi.

Future Days

I woke up this morning with a horrible feeling,

I didn’t want to move, or get up for school

“That’s normal, who doesn’t feel like this everyday?”

But you don’t know exactly what I’m dealing

With. 3….2….1 I’m waiting for that countdown

A day where I won’t have to always “look over my shoulder” as they say

Waiting, waiting for the world to understand

Waiting and waiting till there’s no longer a frown

This pain can stop, as soon as that day is here

I’ll have proof of my freedom, my finger, my band

Finally at that time my happiness is restored

I can live my life with that guy, my fool

My night is no longer filled with tears

As I start my new chapter, and open that door

My Thoughts
So this poem was written a couple years ago, when I was a senior in high school and wanted to be seen as an adult. Now? I’ve grown a little, but my thoughts remain the similar to those high school days.
I’m not saying that I’m grown now because of school; I still have a lot to learn and am quite young. But guess what? Chicken Butt!! LOL. But seriously, even though being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be, it’s a dream most of us have had as a child.
Okay, yes it’s true. We do add more responsibilities and problems as we get older, but it’s the dream where our lives can commence. My future days are simple. Live, learn, laugh, love – that’s all I need. What about you?
P.S. – I was told that I should apologize for that terrible joke earlier…….I’m not going to though 😉


Winter Sunset

I sat there in the car.

The sky changed from blue, to dark orange

From red to purple,

Finally from purple to black.

Cars whizzed passed as the time passed,

Traffic forming under the darkening sky.

The temperature dropped close to freezing.

With a thin jacket, and a car that won’t start,

I sat and watched the winter sunset.

The side of the highway could not have been more beautiful

Than on the evening of Jan 4th

My Thoughts: This poem is one I wrote when I was stuck on the side of the highway when the car I was driving broke down. Despite the cold winds, and increasingly freezing car, I was able to look at the sky and find calmness as I waited for the tow truck. There’s always a silver-lining.

Femininity and…tattoos. (Repost)

Tahni J. Nikitins

I recently got another tattoo, and as such decided to dig up this old post and share it here. It was interesting and strange reading back over this after a couple of years and a couple more tattoos, not because I necessarily disagree with anything past me said (essentially I still hold it all to be true) but because how I view myself and my own identity has changed quite a lot. It’s pretty cool to look back and what I thought and said then and consider the ways in which my ideas and feelings have changed through only a few short years.

I’m planning on writing something of a follow-up to this piece discussing the significance of my latest tattoo, among other things, and I’ll delve into it a little more there. But for now, I wanted to share this old reflection on tattoos and social conditioning.



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Unattainable Peace

Bleak, dull, cold, fog

As you lay down like a log

Fight the sound that comes from the gong

As you hear it go “bong, bong”

Continue to fight the urge of the song

From which it comes, the sound of the gong

As you continue to fight the sound,

Focus onto what it is you are bound

The life that may now cause your frown

And the dream to which you wear your crown

Continue to fight is what you do,

As the mind transforms to a zoo

The commotion and craziness that you come to,

Your mind is long overdo

The peace you receive from that fog

The feeling you get as you lay like a log

Is covered by the wildness of the zoo

You cannot fight that, how do you?

My Cup of Tea

Relaxing by the fire, laying back in a chair

I hold my cup of tea tightly in my hands.

A mug. Different shape and size everyday.

but my cup of tea continues to stay the same.

With every sip there’s a sweetness,

it plays on my tongue.


Oh, my cup of tea never ceases to bring me joy and peace.

Raising my tea, it’s leaves are all I see.

My cup of tea is gone.

Maybe I’ll go make another…..

My Big Chop!

For those who don’t know what this is, I’m gonna explain for you wonderful people. The Big Chop is when someone, usually girls, cut off the straight and damaged ends of their hair. This is associated when one transitions from relaxed or permed hair (chemically straight) back to its’ natural state (curly/wavy).  giphy-13Now I tried to transition without cutting off my hair because….well, I loved my hair – or should I say, I loved the length. However, the time came about 2 weeks ago when it had to be done. Taking some sheers in a dorm bathroom, my hair got cut. (Sadly, I don’t have a picture ).


I was calm and collected on the outside, but freaking out and crying on the inside. I mean who wants to cut their hair?!?!?! My hair went from shoulder length to neck length…….. 😥 . So much hair gone, I wanted to cry, but I knew it had to be done. I still want to cry at times cause my hair’s gone forever!!! Maybe not forever, but I tend to be melodramatic  at times. Honestly though, I loved it when I cut it, I just wasn’t sure how others would react.


I’ve learned to accept my hair and its length. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, seem to love it! Even my mom – who told me she’d kill me if I ever cut my hair – but even she says how much she loves it almost everyday. I feel like I’ve grown since I’ve cut it and am becoming my own person. The lesson behind all this little story: sometimes you have to break down in order to be built back up properly and find your way. #lovingthisnaturallife #missmyhairbutit’sokay #it’sokaytohashtagsometimes